Sometimes she cries
2002-10-29

Well, I was having a relatively good day. Then I talked to Daddy. I was fucking around with him as usual and then we started talking seriously. I really just shouldn't do that. Whenever I talk seriously with people they don't understand. Or is it that they do understand and that is the problem. The choices I've made aren't acceptable to them. They expect better of me.

I'm tired of hoping and dreaming and wishing for love. I'm dealing with reality. I will be alone. The people I love don't ever love me in return. That is just how it is. I have a few close friends. That is ok. That is just how it is.

I guess that I'm upset now because I feel that I've let him down by effectively giving up and staying in what he thinks is an unhealthy situation.

He doesn't know how close I was to killing myself last year. He doesn't know that I planned out exactly what I was going to do. He doesn't understand that I just need stasis for awhile. Even if awhile is years. I can't deal with putting myself out there for rejection. I CANNOT.

I forgot that this is why I don't talk about my home situation with chat people anymore. I forgot. Its my mistake.

Jon has good timing. He just came over and stroked my hair. He's so warm. Sometimes I just want to curl up on him, but its not my place. That's not a friend thing... and all we are is friends.

I think its time to go cry a bit.

~ Jessica

�

�

below - above
Something to Say?