depression redux
2005-09-19

Its been a long time.

I'm depressed.

I'm embarassed that I am so inept.

He got us drunk, My idea I believe, but he was nice enough to not charge us for the fifty hundred shots that I suggested we have (literally 6 or 7 x the three of us).

I hope I actualy tipped him well. I have no comprehension of how much money I handed him. I worry about that shit.

He pretty much ignored me when he was off work. But when working, he was in front of L and I all the time, drinking with us. He gave me a sippy cup. When M asked for one, he said no, only Jessica gets a sippy cup. Why does this make me all warm and fuzzy inside? Also, remembering the sugar-free red bull for me. Brownie points.

He has a girlfriend, yet he programs his number into my phone, yet he doesn't call. I called him in my semi-drunkeness on my way home to inform him that he sucks, and yet I can't explain to him why. He sucks because I have a crush on him and he is a huge tease. He sucks because he took my keys, but gave them back. He sucks because I am inept and pathetic. Oh and I am jealous too. Both L and C have been getting hit on relentlessly lately and I get no attention. Wah woe is me. T thinks something is going on between m and I.

Cuddleboy is a free man again. Also a tease. Interesting comments like "sit here next to me and pretend your with me". Invites me to PA with him for next weekend. Of course I already have plans. My comment, of course, "so you can blow me off again?". Um, I have issues. I had mroe issues with being blown off at the end of the night. I know he had too much to drink. But blowing me off and then saying but oh next time when fewer of my friends are around we're totally getting together? What the hell is that?

Two nights in a row of rejection sucks.

Should I even get into the P situation? I embarass myself. I care too much. He hasn't returned a phone call. I have to get over it sometime.

I wish I knew what I wanted. I wish that someone wanted me. I wish that I wasn't such an idiot. I wish that I could act like an adult. I wish I knew what an adult acted like.

�

�

below - above
Something to Say?