mental breakdown part 1
2003-02-15

I am really fucked up. If you've been reading so far, you already know that.

I am afraid of things that normal people are not, and I refuse to place myself in a position where I could be rejected or have my feelings hurt. Its very lonely that way.

And then of course I think about the one person that I did open my feelings to and then I get really really angry. In reality I should just kill myself. I'm never going to change. Its too frightening, and when I'm miserable, I'm miserable and I don't want it to go on anymore.

I don't do anything to meet people. We don't go out anymore, we can't afford it. Its not like I was trying to meet people when we did go out, although hey, I came on to amy sorta. We see how well that went. Parking lot guy was just anonymous sex as far as I was concerned. I do not know how to do things like normal human beings. I do not know how to interact with people. I don't know how to have a conversation. I don't know how i've made it this long. Have I mentioned my fear of driving? Well its not so much driving as driving in traffic, driving in rain, driving with other people in the car, driving anywhere I've never been before, being afraid I have a flat tire, being afraid my car is going to die... the list goes on.

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