YAY i'm here
2003-04-07

Woohoo I'm here.

I sound so thrilled don't I? What was I thinking? Really? I have no clue. I'm actively working at NOT having a panic attack. It doesn't help that I've been horribly sick for the last week. I spent all day Saturday just sitting in a chair staring at the television in a drug induced haze. Not even GOOD drugs.

I'm so scared, and I'm not quite sure about what. Its not like I can't leave again. Um... Yeah... What does it say about me that I would rather go where I have no friends and don't know anyone and live by myself and hide away from the world. I might have a few issues. Not that I don't like friends. The only friend I have here really is allison though. I haven't kept in touch with anyone else. Which reminds me, I should figure out if I can still get in touch with chris.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. I'm terrified. This is all so weird. Hopefully I'll feel better soon, and be able to get some furniture and get settled in. Maybe that will help?

Maybe part of the problem is I feel like i've returned to high school. I haven't lived here since then. Ten years is a long time. I feel like i've failed and that i'm this big giant loser because i'm living at home with my dad. Of course the only other option going through my head is to get an apartment someplace I like (dallas) and take up space hiding until I die. Sounds like a good plan doesn't it. I suppose eventually the motivation will come back or i'll make some friends. or something.

I miss my Jamie :(. I cried like a baby when I was hugging her and when I was driving away. I had to distract myself so I would stop crying.

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