the past revisited
2003-08-11

I read something today that made me think about that swirling vortex of dispair that I used to be in. When I was very anti life and seriously suicidal at one point. How for the two years since then I've been worried any time i've felt the least bit sad. Worried that it wouldn't end, that I would be sucked back down to that dark circular space that I still don't know how I got out of.

Its hopeless in that place, every thought circles around on itself making you feel as if you can't get out. No matter what you do, it won't get better.

This last week I was manic. LOL Jamie is the one that pointed it out. I was telling her how I was feeling and It was clear to her...

There are things I want to do...

I want to get the helpdesk caught up

I want to make the twins geniuses LOL

I want all the company stuff sorted out

I want gym time that I don't feel guilty about

I want K to be happy, and I know she's not, and that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I worry that things I've done in the past have contributed to this situation, that even though I thought I was doing the right thing for her, that I wasn't. I know she's not my kid, but I loved her like she was.

I don't have the twins today, but I do for the rest of the week. Are they too young to do learning stuff with? I swear K knew letters at 2... I think I'm going to hit Toys R Us tonight and buy some crayons and paper. Maybe work on colors and shapes with them. I'll look for something to entertain Em as well.

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