bah humbug
2003-10-29

I want to be in love...

And yet I don't.

I've been keeping myself too busy to think, really because thinking is scary. When I have time to think I think that my life is wasted. I know in so many ways that it isn't. I have to think that everything happens for a reason. That I am doing what I am supposed to do. But right now, this stress, with work, with life, with everything is overwhelming. Am I pushing myself too far? Am I not pushing myself far enough in some areas?

Work is currently horrible. It makes me angry and I'm afraid to find another job. Not to mention, I'm watching the twins, which makes another job difficult. But this near constant anger right now is not a good thing either. The UG meeting is not making things any better. I think that is part of why my stomach is in a constant state of aching.

I can barely walk today, I'm not sure about volleyball. Parts of it were horrible yesterday and I just wanted it to end. Some of it was fun though. Maybe I just need to get better? Be less hard on myself and just enjoy the games. OMG is it good exercise.

I hate that right now my attention span isn't good enough to actually complete an entry. I have too much anxiety and stress to be able to focus on any one thing for too long.

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