unlocked
2004-01-23

I was reading another diary, and it made me think about this.

When I play publicly, with people watching, I'm fine with that. Well, not really, I'm fine once I'm in subspace, but until I reach that point I'm panicy and stressed.

When I've played with J, he's always calmed me beforehand, with no one around. Even if its just a few minutes. He talks to me in that voice, and touches my chest. Not my boobs, but that place below your neck. For some reason, its very calming, and puts me in a 'safe' place mentally.

After that point, I know people are around, but they really don't matter. I know they are there, but I'm 'in scene' mentally and for some reason it doesn't bother me then. I don't know why.

The end of the scene is a whole different story. I do NOT like people watching when the scene is ending. I do not want to come back to people around me. If I'm playing with someone I like, all I want to do is curl up around them and cuddle. If its someone I don't know well, I just want to get away from them.

I'm not very comfortable with my submissiveness these days. Playing with my stalker frightened me. Before I knew he was stalker man. He tapped right into my head durring the scene, and we'd only talked a few moments beforehand. I don't like sharing myself. I don't find it safe, that he got me mentally. It makes for good play -at the time-, but I can't deal with it afterwards. I don't want to mentally submit to someone that I am not in any sort of relationship with.

I don't really play with G. Oh I submit, definitely, but he is not a dominant. He IS dominant, and its obvious to me when something is TO BE DONE versus us just talking and playing around. The chemistry between us changes. So far, there has only been one time I did not do something that was an obvious order. It was something I was very uncomfortable with, way, way, way outside my comfort zone.

We do not scene, but sometimes my behavior evolves us into something similar to a scene. Its always something that I push him into, its not his kink. I really don't know how to explain our relationship. I'm the brat, I totally enjoy that role, I'm comfortable in it, it makes me happy. He cracks me up, we were at the mall the other day and I was being irritating, he told me that I was cruising for some discipline that I would not enjoy. It cracks me up that he has to add the 'that you would not enjoy' part. Probably comes from me saying 'you say that like it's a bad thing' when he's threatened me with spankings.

I think I've gotten to the point that I'm rambling, so I'll end this now. More on the subject another time.

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