fear
2002-10-16

I fucked up.

Am I isolating myself or am I being isolated?

Sometimes its so good and sometimes its just really bad. Most of the time the variation is on the same day.

I hate feeling. I feel so much. If I don't think, I don't feel. I question whether it is better not to feel?

Who knows.

I hate messing up, because I feel that i've dissapointed that person. But what if I haven't. What if they don't care enough to be dissapointed? That's why I try to do nothing wrong, so I don't know that they don't care.

Or

Are they just bitchy and childish and trying to poke me and I'm letting them.

Or

Are they looking for reasons to be mad?

Or

Do they just want me to go away?

I hate living life afraid, but I like it at the same time. I am terrified. I am a freak. I like people to terrify me when I know that I am perfectly safe with them. But I hate to be terrified when I don't know the outcome.

I hate that nothing I say or do is right.

Its 9:29 am, I've been up for an hour, and I just want to crawl back in to bed and make it all go away.

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